Cheeseballs: God's Greatest Triumph or Classical Conditioning

It's like 2 in the morning. I am still awake. I should not be since I have to pick Greg up at like 8 30 tomorrow, but what is more entertaining than a late night blog? Nothing, goddamnit!

I was thinking this evening as I was dancing like an awesome person would dance at a bar, What could make this better? Then the answer came to me. It could be better if Paul was here, or if I didn't suck so much at dancing, or if there was a cheeseball. Frick, cheeseballs are kickass. Ponder this for a moment. No. Stop it. You're reading too fast. You know what? I. am. going. to type. with. periods. between. the. words. so. you. read. slower. This. will. make. you. contemplate. cheeseballs. better. Anyways, cheeseballs are an incredible gift from God. They make plain crackers taste not so sucky. They are also perfect for putting spy microphones in. I learned that from Inside Man. You can't put lots of microphones in sammiches because they don't spark conversation. I mean, who has a conversation about a sammich? No one. You can put microphones in pizza because it gives people something to crowd around. Cheeseballs do the same, but better because cheeseballs loosen the human tongue. If you want national secrets, taunt a person with a cheeseball. They will never be able to resist. If you want to find the coordinates for Nicholas Cage's house so you can egg it, use a cheeseball. Damn, I hate Nicholas Cage. He is probably the worst actor ever. I mean, how could anyone relate to him? He looks like a stoned horse. Gosh, he sucks. I didn't even go see his last couple movies because they would have sucked because he's in them. Man, Nicholas Cage blows. I'ma gonna stab him.

(Please note: I will not stab Nicholas Cage. Don't arrest me!)

My Version of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat"

So I am in a production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I am the narrator. Shut up, everyone. That's the female lead. Anyways, as Nick, Rachel, and I were practicing today (Nick is Joseph and Rachel is the orchestra), we were possessed by a soul of Andrew Lloyd Weber. He announced to us, through me (of course), that he designed this musical to be a giant Biblical acid trip.
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First off, there is no "children's choir", there is a group of gremlins. They dance around and are a mockery of Joseph's sanity. The Narrator is the person having the trip. All of this is in her head. Trust me, the musical would be so fucking cool that way. I mean, imagine the colours of a drug trip and the absence of children. Sweet mother of god, that would awesome.

How do these people get into Uni?

I had a funny Classics class today. Have you ever had one of those days where all the stupid people in the world decide to leave their houses? That was my day today. In fact, I shall show you. Trust me, you'll probably laugh. It shall be like a play. I will entitle it "Please Kill Yourself Now".

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Student 1: I don't understand this class. I mean, Zeus has a whole bunch of statues, but he's not real, right?

Laura and I: HAHAHAHA!

Prof: Poseidon is the god of the sea, earthquakes, and horses. Now who can tell me what the connection is between the sea and horses?

Student 2: Well, in Lord of the Rings, there are white caps that are shaped like horses.

Prof: Ummm...okay?

Laura and I: HAHAHAHA!

Student 3: What's a white cap?
Prof: (pause) It's one of those waves that you windsurf on that's white...

Laura and I: *shakes heads*

Prof: What's the connection between the sea and earthquakes?

Student 1: Rivers get cut apart like roads.

Laura and I: *twitch*

Prof: Now Poseidon could be represented by a stallion, which also can represent virility.

Student 3: What does 'virility' mean?

Prof: Powerfully sexual. Kinda like fertility.

Laura and I: *silently cry*

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Can anyone tell me how this happened? How in sweet Heaven's name did this amount of stupidity go through security undetected? How did these people get into university?! Good God! Anyways, it did brighten up my day and, I'm sure, Laura's day.